Are you struggling?

you are not alone!

Whether it’s your spouse, your friends, your lovers, your parents, or your kids—all relationships need support at times. Learn more about the issues I care for below.

your past matters, but it doesn’t have to control you…

You may be wondering, what is attachment or attachment theory? I’ve simplified this below for those that are interested in learning more. Know nothing about it? No worries.

There’s a reason all the movies joke that therapy is where you talk about your childhood—it’s actually for a good reason. We often find ourselves repeating patterns we learned as children, without being aware of it. No worries, it’s not your job to know this about yourself nor could you do it alone! I’m here as a trained professional to help you see the patterns so you can take control, set boundaries, and create and enjoy healthy relationships in our life (spoiler: unhealthy relationships in our lives are often a sneaky source of major anxiety!)

Here’s more information on the main attachment styles below.

Anxious attachment

This is the attachment style Stan Tatkin refers to as the “wave”, characterized by you feeling at times very close or dependent on someone (perhaps you feel very needy), then at other times feeling rejecting of relationships. In other words, a push-pull dynamic is commonly felt in relationship to others. It is largely influenced by having inconsistent messages of love coming from a primary caregiver (beyond normal). For example, as a young child your caregiver could have moments of intense infatuation with you and then at other times intense irritation with you, despite you performing the same action. Listen to this podcast to hear more about Anxious Attachment.

Therapist Uncensored Episode 60: Preoccupation in Relationships Signs and Solutions to Anxious Attachment

Avoidant Attachment

This attachment style entails what Stan Tatkin refers to as the “island”. It involves a general sense of distrust towards (healthy) dependence on anyone for help, love, or affection. The “I can do it by myself” kind of individual or the individual who leaves a relationships first without discussing ways of growing closer or ending the relationship. It is largely influenced by having messages from a caregiver where you were left to deal with difficult emotions alone. Perhaps your parent was consistently distracted by other things in the home and unable to notice how you were feeling or doing, let alone help you with your feelings. Listen to this podcast to hear more about Avoidant Attachment.

Therapist Uncensored Episode 59: Dismissing Avoidant Styles of Relating in Adulthood

Disorganized Attachment / Disorganized moments

I prefer to use the term disorganized moments and perceive of this “attachment style” as more of a spectrum—it is often the result of severe trauma. Though we can all ebb in and out of feeling moments of disorganization, having consistent disorganized attachment entails feeling jumbled and confused around your own needs, emotions, and relationships most of the time. It is influenced by having very inconsistent if not neglectful or abusive caregivers who rarely provided love and attention. People often meet criteria for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) who have disorganized attachment. Please listen to this podcast to hear more about disorganized attachment.

Therapist Uncensored Episode 61: It’s Not Crazy, It’s a Solution to an Unsolvable Problem

Attachment Theory (simplified)

Melanie Klein stemmed from the psychoanalytic background and began to take more of an interest in infant and mother dynamics as key to psychological understanding of a person. As one of the founders of Object Relations Theories, she studied how infants internalized/understood other objects (people and things) around them as a developing being.

Continuing with many of Klein’s concepts, John Bowlby in the 1950s-1970s added to and differentiated a bit from object relations ideas arguing that the mother’s interaction with a baby influenced the baby’s attachment to that person (and to others). With Mary Ainsworth, they completed the Strange Study researching relationships with infants and their caregivers, predominantly mothers, and discovered 4 patternistic behaviors of relating to their caregivers—secure, insecure avoidant (other terms: avoidant, anxious avoidant), insecure ambivalent (other terms: anxious, anxious ambivalent), and disorganized attachments (other term: insecure). Each of these attachment behaviors were repeated in national and international studies showing that it is a concept applicable to all humans.

All of this to say, how we are in relationships (whether to ourselves or other people) is greatly influenced by significant relationships around us, particularly those in formative years such as when we are an infant, child, and teenager. My officemates Sue Marriot, LCSW and Dr. Ann Kelly have a wonderful podcast that speaks to these concepts very eloquently and nonjudgementally called Therapist Uncensored. I have linked some of their material below and would highly recommend listening to these podcasts for a more in-depth and better put explanation of Attachment Theory.

Attachment categories are to be considered on a spectrum, as with most things, but can be very helpful in understanding difficulties we encounter in ourselves and with other people. Please read on if you are interested in understanding more and follow the various links to more information.

Care: Growing Security

For most of us, the work of therapy and life entails a journey of growing secure attachment. This is what I work to help foster in my dynamics with clients and their relationships outside of therapy. It means being able to learn how to trust yourself and other people, becoming more aware of emotions and insecurities without letting them control you. Mostly, it means feeling good in your own skin and loving yourself in ways that resonate inside and outside of you. It is the healing part of long term therapy that many come to seek and enjoy.

IPF Protocol:

As part of the attachment work, Ideal Parent Figure (IPF) Protocol is something I am in current study with and incorporate with a variety of my clients to aid in the process of growing security in their lives. It entails collaborating to create a meditative space as a young child where you are able to have the ideal parent come in to the picture and be with you in just the right way. If this sounds of interest, please see Dan Brown and David Elliot’s work in Treating Attachment Disturbances in Adults (2016).

DARE (Dynamic Attachment Repatterning Experience)

I am currently in certification with Trauma Solutions for the DARE certificate, that encompasses somatic experiencing, trauma, and attachment lenses to better help people heal in relationships. This training emphasizes an awareness of our bodies (somatic) and the relational resources we already have had in our life experiences (whether its a warm moment with a parent, a healing moment in nature, or your favorite show as a child). It also adds somatic exercises taking in these resources in a therapy session to help us heal/tolerate difficult experiences in our lives.

More Information

For more information about attachment, I’d encouraged you to explore more of the following resources:

• Books: Attached (Amir Lavine)

• Books: Wired for Love, Wired for Dating (Stan Tatkin)

• Books: Affect Regulation & Affect Dysregulation (Alan Schore)

• Website: The Attachment Project