So, you are with a therapist…
Let's be real, being in a relationship with a therapist isn't always as dreamy as it sounds. Sure, they can be great listeners and super empathetic, but behind the scenes, it's a different story. You know firsthand that therapists can bring their work home, overanalyzing every little thing and sometimes forgetting to leave the "therapist hat" at the door. People imagine them as perfect partners with all the answers, but in reality, they're just as human and flawed as anyone else.
Here are some of the common things I hear therapist partners feel:
Like their project/patient (“Don’t therapy me!”)
Pressured to keep up with their emotions
Tired of the constant pressure to “just go to therapy” OR If you are already in therapy, tired of hearing it isn’t working
Wondering “how is my spouse/partner even helpful to their clients?”
Conflicted generally about therapy given what you see
My partner or spouse wins if I go to therapy…
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It's brave work, coming into the therapy space when your partner is a therapist. We therapists can be difficult people (trust me, I know this firsthand as I haven't always been the best spouse to my partner of 12 years). But there's a unique power in finding yourself—not as someone else's project, but as your own mystery to explore and enjoy.
For nearly a decade, I've worked with therapist partners and have come to love this population. You have more to offer than you even realize, especially to yourself. Whether you've been with your partner for 20 years or are just starting to date, know that you will be welcomed here to explore what it's like to exist from your own perspective.
Therapy is about you. It's a safe space to explore your feelings, gain new perspectives, and find practical solutions that work for your life. It's not about who wins or loses; it's about finding balance and well-being for yourself. We're here to help you navigate that journey, judgment-free and at your own pace.
No thanks, Therapy? Check out group.
So, how do you even go to therapy and see it as something for yourself, and not just for them (your partner/spouse)?
First, you might start with a group of folks like yourself. In a process group, you join others who understand the negative or uncomfortable feelings you have about therapy, especially given your partner's involvement. You'll explore whether you believe in therapy and begin to understand your impact on people beyond your spouse. This helps you gain a more accurate perspective on what's real, beyond just your partner's needs.
It's tough for most people to enter a space that reminds them of their partner, especially if there's conflict. Group therapy can be a safe way to dip your toe into the therapy world without committing to a deeply emotional one-on-one therapy relationship right away.
Already sold on therapy, but want a Group to vent?
Have you ever heard the joke that dating a therapist should come with an informed consent? A therapist I know once quipped about this, and it got me thinking how needed that is.
What is informed consent? Simply put, it's a detailed explanation of what you're getting into, especially when there are risks involved. And let's face it, being partnered with a therapist can sometimes feel like navigating a minefield of emotional awareness and mental health expertise.
If you've been in therapy for a while, you might find yourself more tuned into your emotional world than your partner. This can be especially challenging when your therapist partner avoids doing the deep, long-term therapy work themselves. It can feel like you have more mental health know-how, even though you're not the professional in the relationship.
It's a unique dynamic, and it can be tough. Recognizing these challenges in a therapy group can be one of the best paths forward to addressing it later with your spouse—on your own terms.